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Love is disaster [15 Feb 2017|09:33pm]

Oh LJ I made a mess. Since Christmas I ended up with not one, but two men. I am not that girl , I'm not good at being that girl. I'm hurting everyone. I'm mostly hurting myself. My grandmother died on 16th January. The day before my dads birthday. That deserves a post of its own. I'm so fricking broken LJ. Today was her funeral. A blur if anything. I'm just....broken. So broken. Lawrence Jonathan

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Feeling insignificant – Listening to “Always on my mind by Michael Buble” [21 Dec 2016|11:12am]
Love - Feeling insignificant

So it’s been a long time since I posted anything here publically. Mostly because I never know these days who still has eyes here.
I am currently “seeing” a guy. Let’s not name him for now. We have been seeing each other for around 5 months. It’s not a traditional affair. Since Mid-July I have been living with my now 96 year old grandmother as her night-carer. He works shifts as a fireman and also works as a volunteer firefighter the rest of the time so is pretty much tied to his house for a great deal of time, even if he isn’t doing much. Unfortunately his house is about 40 minutes from mine by car and isn’t on a decent bus/train route.
This means we get to see each other once a week, maybe.
I am not important to him. I am not a priority. He is not interested in intertwining our lives or becoming more than we are. He is not that interested in me at all. He confuses me pretty consistently with references to things we will do in the future, but he is not interested in knowing me much or seeing me in the moment. He seems more interested in giving me away to have sex with other people (and vice versa) then having me for his own and that may actually kill me. I keep telling him that I am not done with him yet to want to share. I am not done with him yet. I am not bored, I am not straying or ready to stray. I am not ready or willing to share.
It hurts because I try so hard to please him and currently I am sat in a little bubble of insignificant misery.
I chase him weekly for the next time I can see him, sometimes we have periods where nothing is in place and it feels like I’ll never see him again at all.
When we are together, it’s actually pretty perfect. He is sweet and he is kind and he does little thing that I would not expect from merely a lover. I have tried to introduce him into my life, family and friends. Managed slightly, he met H and S, but that’s as far as I have gotten currently.
Last night I think I hit breaking point.
I wanted so badly to let him go, for self-preservation. I feel like we are stuck now in this non-relationship. I care for him, but it isn’t love. I feel like my feelings for him are on hold, looking for more commitment before they commit also. I go through this probably once a week,
It should be said that he is nothing like I have ever known. I don’t think I want to go into specifics here, but know that he is exceptional. We are strangely comfortable with each other in some respects and in others, not.
Probably doomed LJ – but I have been clinging to this for a few reasons. I am in the process of getting a motorbike license so that we have the ability to see each other more often potentially (that will be interesting as I do the majority of the chasing, make all the choices, choose all the venues etc). I have nothing and nobody better to do. I have never been good at splitting my affections or cheating.
I spend my time between feeling overwhelmed with feelings and feeling numb and blue

Work – Feeling invisible

So that’s “love”. Now work. I am currently on Secondment from Customer Relations into Training. That makes me a Global Training Co-ordinator for APAC and EMEA. Sounds big right? So big. I love it . Training is my home and I hope it leads to a full position.
It makes for a strange work environment as I still sit with my old team, but it is clear I am not one of them. Now they are presents and plans etc and I am very much not included.
My new team comprises of my boss and one colleague. I very rarely see them as they work remotely. When I do see them, they hate the office so are negative about it and also my old team and people I work with. I actually almost prefer not to see them so I don’t have to put up with that.

Home/Family – Feeling useless

As stated, living with my grandmother. It has been fairly easy overall, she has carers that come in 4 times a day so do all of the washing, changing etc. I mostly look after some cleaning (we also have a cleaner), washing and generally a presence for her overnight. Not a hard job, and I get paid reasonably for it. I have my own upstairs flat space, my own bathroom and get paid about £75 a week + some house essentials (washing tablets, fabric softener, cleaning supplies, loo roll). More recently, this got tricky when she got a water infection. When I think back on the last few weeks I am not sure whether to laugh or cry with the madness that ensued. Gran had conversations/arguments with teacups and beakers, cried because the face wipe dispenser wouldn’t dispense biscuits, demanded fish and chips and tried to get out of bed seventeen times an hour because she wanted to go dancing or to see my auntie or to go to the beach. Those was hard times.

Life – Feeling Unaccomplished

My sister has a house now, and a new fiancé. I feel like I have nothing and that doesn’t help with the major feelings of insignificance anymore. I don’t have anything to show for my now 31 years on the planet. It was my birthday on Saturday 17th and it was the biggest nonevent imaginable. My parents chose not to get my anything other than a card, and my sister hasn’t given me anything at all as yet. It felt strange not seeing any family that day. The only friend I saw was Laura, and whilst we had a great evening, it did not feel like a birthday for me.

Very strange evening that was indeed. Good strange, but strange strange. Met Laura’s work colleague Bryony and felt like I had found a lost soul like mine. She is currently dating 3 men at the same time and by the end of the night I had been invited to a threesome, which was very flattering, if strange. I returned the compliment.


Reading through old LJ when I should be working (ooooh skiving in the office!)
This made me smile “As I'm on the bus home, his theme song comes on and I decide to text him this
'and I guess that's why they call it the blues, time on my hands could be time spent with you.
Laughing like children, living like lovers, rolling like thunder under the covers'
Rule no 1 of theme songs, don't quote them to people at 2am.”

Enjoy the fall loverCollapse )
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Hey LJ [06 Dec 2012|05:12pm]
Been a long time since I posted old friend, been a long time since I felt that I needed to. I feel so alone LJ, I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. I am cut off, out of the loop, out of the support network that kept me sane for so long. I didn't realise being in love would be so lonely. I feel like such a failure, such a let down. I cant even keep him happy :( no matter how hard I try, so I bottle up these feelings til I am ready to burst and then I find my solace in your warm, constant pages. I miss you, I don't know why I've not come back sooner, perhaps because I really want to be comfortable elsewhere?
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So [10 Sep 2012|08:45pm]
I feel so helpless
So hopeless

I'm driving myself crazy

Who'd have thought that less than 90 minutes of non-contact would do this to me :/
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Craig [05 Aug 2012|09:14pm]

I am in love lj :)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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-sigh- [23 Jul 2012|02:07pm]

He haunts me when I'm asleep as well as awake LJ. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Dear LJ [26 Feb 2012|10:08pm]
I've been avoiding you. I've been avoiding all forms of human contact. I haven't kept my appointments with Marie and I haven't been taking my meds.

I know what you are thinking, downward spiral.

I feel fine, honestly. I just want to be alone.
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Hey lj [10 Jan 2012|06:55pm]
I'm here again, can't stay away it seems, and also can't bother anyone again with my same old whines.

Today he's been running through my mind pretty much non stop. Maybe it's because I am sick and I have longer to dwell on it. I pretty much holed up in the office today and died quietly. My nose wouldn't stop running and I'm stll suffering now.

I like to think if he came back I'd turn him away, be strong.

But LJ, sometimes I just don't know. I wish I had someone to hold me and cuddle me when I am like this. I miss that more than sex, by miles. I miss those cuddles, those amazing amazing cuddles.
3 raindrops|splash around

Morning LJ [08 Jan 2012|11:47am]
I'm feeling a bit blah today. Spoke to Marie last night which probably wasn't an amazing idea. Watching rom coms never a good plan either. I just don't want to end up alone and I feel lonely so much of the time, it hurts. My little sister is barely around, my parents aren't very communicative. I need a friend but I want more. I want someone to curl up on the sofa with me and make me feel safe.
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One last thing before bed... [08 Jan 2012|12:46am]
I wish people were straightforward

In my 26 years, I have tried not to be....dishonest and cruel and confusing

I am pretty good at being able to conclusively say what I want, whom I love, how I want life to go. I wish others were as brave, obvious and helpful.

I can be strong and dominate if I can read you absolutely, but with little to no help from you, how should I work out what you mean? And you speak in cryptic clues and I don't know If you mean me :(
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I dreamed a dream in time gone by [07 Jan 2012|10:41pm]
When hope was high and life worth living


Seeking my Mr Darcy (pride and prejudice, not Bridget jones diary, though Coincedentally large pants), prince charming,
The guy that likes me 'just as I am' ( ie avec new treadmill and determined to lose some weight, not just for me but also for other more important things that may occur in the new year).

I want that guy that thinks I am worth it, worth anything, somebody that worships and loves me as if. I know I can and will find him, whether it be in 2012 or not.

Just as I am.
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Hey lj [07 Jan 2012|10:18pm]
How are you?

I know you are dying for an update. I haven't been around because I've needed a sounding board that sounds back. As it is, Caroline doesn't just sound back as provide interesting and sexy ideas and funnities lol whether required or not.

So thursday, the hang out. I arrive at designated meeting spot at 6.45. Early, always damn early. I go to call Mike since I have 15 minutes to kill, and suddenly Paul is there in front of me. Cue hellos and awkward hug. We walk to the swan and castle. I hate my heels, because Im nervous, and don't want to fuss about walking with them.

We arrive at the pub, get seated, choose meals. It's pretty quiet and awkward, almost the whole way through the next two hours. I talk constantly, trying to keep the conversation moving even though he says little, cuts off conversation often.

And yet at the end of it I can honestly say I had a nice time. He's adorably quiet, geeky, shy. I like that. He sees me to my bus and we leave it there. I don't know what to say over that LJ. I said I thought I'd made a friend and I did :)
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Hey LJ [05 Jan 2012|12:05pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Long time since I posted to you on a pc :) I missed it liked this for sure.

Today is the day. I'm excited for it, even though theres not really any point anymore, not romantically anyway. Shaun gave me such a lovely talk, explained that maybe what was said was said to calm the other person down, not send me into some weird overdrive. He said it'd be a date anyway, regardless, surely? because that is what happens when two people of the opposite sex meet officially for the first time.

It hasnt helped as much as I liked. The friend zone creeped in all too easily (doesnt it always?) and like me, it isnt possible to break I think. I'm hoping maybe if he shows an interest it might give a little lee-way. But I doubt it. Damn me waiting and not just following my heart and cancelling it. I know it wont be hideous. I know it wont be because he is lovely, and good company. So we'll have a nice hangout with a few cokes and everything will be awesome.

The friend zone isnt a kind thing anymore. Ironic, when I was in school it seemed ludicrous to me and there was never any such thing really until John. For whatever reason he was always there and I loved him for it. For not being one of those guys. Now he is barely in my life anymore and I dont know how to get him back fully.

My mood is low this morning. I'm not looking forward to the inevitable. I need to do this, it'll do me good, to not this of Adam for awhile. Seeing as he haunts my music, my days, my nights, my dreams. I walked a really long way round to the bank yesterday to avoid the images of him that happen when I walk down streets we walked down. Sad I know but it worked for awhile. If only I wasn't so utterly aware of having to do things for these reasons. I know I need to move on, and I thought I was, considering opening my heart to someone else. The problem is that when I do, the memories, the love, for Adam seeps out again.

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Dear A [03 Jan 2012|02:32pm]

I wish you knew what you'd done to me. I wish you knew what a mess you continue to make of my life. Everything is about you. And the more I try and open up and consider letting someone else in....the more you creep back in too.

'here I go again, I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today'

'Everywhere I go, all the buildings call your name'

I walks the same walk with several people
And the walk I remember is ours. You held my hand, I felt so elated that day, even though you left me again, early. Always leaving early. I didn't deserve that, your lies, that constant deceit.

But I loved you anyway. You weren't perfect And I loved you.

I guess I didn't see this coming. I thought by now I was all over. You can never have me back now, that's done.

But I miss you.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Dear lj [03 Jan 2012|09:27am]

I woke up thinking of him again. And this morning my iPod played me songs of him. I'm trying to forget him, honestly I am, but new songs come along too, and the words resound in my head. I spend so long thinking of him that I don't know how to be around other guys anymore. I'm defensive and distant or try too hard and end up being over the top.

I sometimes think nobody considers things like I do, because if they did they might understand. Some girls will text a guy because they like them. I text because I think of what it would be like in the same position. Because being wanted is a nice feeling and one I'd like to have, I almost mirror it onto them and instead of coming across as considerate (they have no clue I am), they then think I like them more (which I don't).

I say sweet things without thinking of consequences. I'm too nice too. When I ought to be a bitch, I'm not.

I want this year to be different lj, maybe if I gave up altogether and made this my year of not trying, I might have more luck with finding someone that will try and fight for me, not the other way round.

-sigh- I just don't feel like taking any chances anymore. I'd rather hide away. If nothing happens problems can't start. I'm
Also kind of afraid of starting with anyone as friends. I have a strong belief that love and passion do not grow. They are either there or they aren't. I don't want to be friends and nurture something, I can't see it. I think that's what made me so utterly frantic yesterday to be honest. I can cope with a no expectation date but I can't cope with hanging out as friends, the door is closed already for me, why bother. My heart says don't bother. My head says hold out and the feeling might change (as does Caz, surprisingly . Maybe the franticness will go away (aided by herbal medications).

Or maybe it won't. My plan for now is pretty much keep myself busy, sit on my hands, chill the fuck out. And hope something changes soon.

Beyonce - best that I never hadCollapse )

Hey lj [02 Jan 2012|10:39pm]
I've calmed down slightly now. Only slightly. I don't know what I would do without you LJ. Honestly, truly.

I can't tell you how frantic I feel, I almost stopped breathing earlier,
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Dear lj [02 Jan 2012|08:01pm]

Terrified, terrified, terrified.

I thought we were meeting up for a chilled night, a drink etc.

Now I don't know and I'm having a panic attack

Hyperventilating ain't as much fun as it used to be O.o

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Dear lj [31 Dec 2011|11:48am]

Been thinking a lot of him lately. A lot a lot. All the time he's in my head. I know he's gone but when will this feeling go?

Abandonment issues in overdrive, maybe it's the time of year, I just...miss our closeness, his eyes, the way he held me. I miss that feeling, that clawing feeling of never wanting him to go.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Hey lj [30 Dec 2011|06:44pm]
Wish I could explain how I'm feeling right now. Lost, tired. And quite quite lonely.

I'm bored of the chase already. I'm bored of being alone. I'm bored of being bored.

I wish I could start a new year in the arms of someone I love, at the very least, like.

I refuse to chase. I refuse to chase. I refuse to chance.

I am sick of sycophancy. I will not bow down, I will not beg and I will not throw myself at anyone.

Take me or leave me, I'm better than that
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Dear LJ [11 Dec 2011|01:21pm]
He is always in my head, everyday.

I hear songs of how I should feel about him and suddenly he's there.
I hear songs of how I do feel about him and he's there.

Then suddenly, I see somebody and I don't feel like he's there. I feel for the other person exactly how I felt for him. And it's like wham. I know nothing can happen, I know I can't have that with that person. But I'll hold onto it regardless because it gives me hope. Maybe one day, I'll truly fall in love again with someone that can love me just as strongly.

I keep thinking of going to see him. Writing a Christmas card. I need to say goodbye and I thought I had but my heart can't let go.

I've never known anything like it, the depth of feeling, the overwhelming feeling, the sheer love I have to give for him.

I hope he wasn't my fairytale. I go over things in my mind for him, often, nobody compares to him. I'm chatting away and the truth is, I still believe that he is it. I don't want to be telling my story is thirty years, saying that my fairytale, my true love went away,

I know how sad this all sounds, but sometimes I don't know how to say it to my friends, every day I think of him, every day dream is about him.

I know he's gone. I just don't know when these pains will heal.
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