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Never Forget

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Feeling thoughtful [09 May 2017|04:29pm]
[ mood | Sombre ]

Hey LJ.

Today I am feeling....contemplative.

I am sad, I still miss him but I know that I wouldn't changed a single bad decision this year. I don't regret them. I acted on gut, I acted on instinct, I acted out of sheer not knowing my mind and not knowing what the future would hold. I don't regret a single thing. I can't. I know my gran would be disappointed in me. I am worried, on a larger scale that essentially, love left my life in 2017. I let it go. I had it for what felt like a fleeting moment and I didn't appreciate it enough.

I don't really know what this means for me. I don't know where life is leading. I do sometimes feel like I am drowning in it all, but even that in itself is fleeting because most of the time I am completely numb and feel nothing at all.

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I miss you [05 May 2017|04:55pm]

I miss you so much it physically hurts. Why can't I have you? Why can't I be yours? I want to be happy but I can't get over you

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JET [02 May 2017|01:05pm]

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking about you. I don't mean to miss you, I wish I didn't, it would be so much easier if I didn't. And I do.

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Please tell me that soon [24 Apr 2017|10:31am]

He won't be the first thought on my mind in the morning and my last as I go to sleep

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I didn't mean to prove [20 Apr 2017|02:23pm]

That all I'm good for is to lose

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Next time you fall, please don't call [20 Apr 2017|02:22pm]

Emily you, just look at you, you're a tragedy

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It has to get easier right? [19 Apr 2017|05:51pm]

When I think of him, I am suffocated

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JET [18 Apr 2017|03:31pm]

I want to say I miss you. The words are on the tip of my tongue and I don't have an outlet for them anymore. So I'm bunching them up in my chest until they burst.

You break my heart in the blink of an eye

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He denies us [11 Apr 2017|10:58pm]

Says he doesn't care and never loved me. He doesn't understand why that might upset me, swears I knew it all along.

I just want to forget him and forget all this, move on with my new life.

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It's all about you [11 Apr 2017|02:02pm]

Sigh

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He persists [10 Apr 2017|09:00pm]

And my resolve weakens. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this, but I know it's for the best. That I can be sure.

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The winner takes it all [06 Apr 2017|08:47pm]

I don't want to talk

About the things we've gone through

Though it's hurting me

Now it's history

I've played all my cards

And that's what you've done too

Nothing more to say

No more ace to play

The winner takes it all

The loser standing small

Beside the victory

That's your destiny

I was in your arms

Thinking I belonged there

I figured it made sense

Building me a fence

Building me a home

Thinking I'd be strong there

But I was a fool

Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice

Their minds as cold as ice

And someone way down here

Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all

The loser has to fall

It's simple and it's plain

Why should I complain

But tell me does she kiss

Like I used to kiss you?

Read more...Collapse )
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JET [06 Apr 2017|11:01am]
I won't allow myself to love,
The luxury of it burns through my veins like acid,
Scarring me with eternal vengeance,
Hot and fiery,
Like the passions I leave behind.
I won't allow myself to sleep,
to think of you subconsciously,
Mingling with my dreams,
Warm and solid,
Like the way you melted into my arms.
I won't allow myself to see you,
for fear of holding myself back from the feelings I try to resist.
I won't allow myself to listen,
should your words strike the unseen chords of my fragile heartstrings.
I won't allow myself to speak,
should my words tell you more than I want to let go,
should my voice crack under the pressure,
should my eyes fill with unwanted sadness,
or should tears fall from betraying eyes.
And most of all,
I won't allow myself to love you,
won't allow my fingers to stroke your skin,
graze your cheek,
won't allow my thoughts to wander to your taste,
your touch, your smell.
I won't allow myself to love you,
and I won't allow you to love me.
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And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand [03 Apr 2017|03:25pm]

Sigh

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Just because I can't be with you doesn't mean that I won't love you [31 Mar 2017|11:12pm]

Sigh

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Sigh [17 Mar 2017|11:03am]
Well hey. Again, it feels like it’s been too long but I am happy to return to you, old friend.

2017 so far has sucked big time. My gran’s death, my Auntie Sally joining her and everything that has followed. Illness, disloyalty. My grandmother would be ashamed of me now and what I have become. I hate that idea and that feeling and yet it lingered.

I seem to have gotten over the guilt of it, somewhat. Feeling like a useless carer because my caree gave up on life and gave in. It did take me awhile to come round to the idea that as usual, everything was on my grandmothers terms.

Moving on from that, my current love triangle. Jonathan, Lawrence.

I have spent the past few days with Lawrence. He is everything a girl could ever want. Attractive, kind, caring, considerate. Positive and fun to be around, adventurous and generally awesome. We have tonnes in common and life with him is so surprisingly easy, we could live together tomorrow and it would be okay, I have no doubt.

Jonathan is a different kettle of fish altogether. He is moody, we have very little in common. We do have a really good time together though. I can’t deny that. I find him…..enamouring. I am obsessed with him.
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Love is disaster [15 Feb 2017|09:33pm]

Oh LJ I made a mess. Since Christmas I ended up with not one, but two men. I am not that girl , I'm not good at being that girl. I'm hurting everyone. I'm mostly hurting myself. My grandmother died on 16th January. The day before my dads birthday. That deserves a post of its own. I'm so fricking broken LJ. Today was her funeral. A blur if anything. I'm just....broken. So broken. Lawrence Jonathan

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Feeling insignificant – Listening to “Always on my mind by Michael Buble” [21 Dec 2016|11:12am]
Love - Feeling insignificant

So it’s been a long time since I posted anything here publically. Mostly because I never know these days who still has eyes here.
I am currently “seeing” a guy. Let’s not name him for now. We have been seeing each other for around 5 months. It’s not a traditional affair. Since Mid-July I have been living with my now 96 year old grandmother as her night-carer. He works shifts as a fireman and also works as a volunteer firefighter the rest of the time so is pretty much tied to his house for a great deal of time, even if he isn’t doing much. Unfortunately his house is about 40 minutes from mine by car and isn’t on a decent bus/train route.
This means we get to see each other once a week, maybe.
I am not important to him. I am not a priority. He is not interested in intertwining our lives or becoming more than we are. He is not that interested in me at all. He confuses me pretty consistently with references to things we will do in the future, but he is not interested in knowing me much or seeing me in the moment. He seems more interested in giving me away to have sex with other people (and vice versa) then having me for his own and that may actually kill me. I keep telling him that I am not done with him yet to want to share. I am not done with him yet. I am not bored, I am not straying or ready to stray. I am not ready or willing to share.
It hurts because I try so hard to please him and currently I am sat in a little bubble of insignificant misery.
I chase him weekly for the next time I can see him, sometimes we have periods where nothing is in place and it feels like I’ll never see him again at all.
When we are together, it’s actually pretty perfect. He is sweet and he is kind and he does little thing that I would not expect from merely a lover. I have tried to introduce him into my life, family and friends. Managed slightly, he met H and S, but that’s as far as I have gotten currently.
Last night I think I hit breaking point.
I wanted so badly to let him go, for self-preservation. I feel like we are stuck now in this non-relationship. I care for him, but it isn’t love. I feel like my feelings for him are on hold, looking for more commitment before they commit also. I go through this probably once a week,
It should be said that he is nothing like I have ever known. I don’t think I want to go into specifics here, but know that he is exceptional. We are strangely comfortable with each other in some respects and in others, not.
Probably doomed LJ – but I have been clinging to this for a few reasons. I am in the process of getting a motorbike license so that we have the ability to see each other more often potentially (that will be interesting as I do the majority of the chasing, make all the choices, choose all the venues etc). I have nothing and nobody better to do. I have never been good at splitting my affections or cheating.
I spend my time between feeling overwhelmed with feelings and feeling numb and blue

Work – Feeling invisible

So that’s “love”. Now work. I am currently on Secondment from Customer Relations into Training. That makes me a Global Training Co-ordinator for APAC and EMEA. Sounds big right? So big. I love it . Training is my home and I hope it leads to a full position.
It makes for a strange work environment as I still sit with my old team, but it is clear I am not one of them. Now they are presents and plans etc and I am very much not included.
My new team comprises of my boss and one colleague. I very rarely see them as they work remotely. When I do see them, they hate the office so are negative about it and also my old team and people I work with. I actually almost prefer not to see them so I don’t have to put up with that.

Home/Family – Feeling useless

As stated, living with my grandmother. It has been fairly easy overall, she has carers that come in 4 times a day so do all of the washing, changing etc. I mostly look after some cleaning (we also have a cleaner), washing and generally a presence for her overnight. Not a hard job, and I get paid reasonably for it. I have my own upstairs flat space, my own bathroom and get paid about £75 a week + some house essentials (washing tablets, fabric softener, cleaning supplies, loo roll). More recently, this got tricky when she got a water infection. When I think back on the last few weeks I am not sure whether to laugh or cry with the madness that ensued. Gran had conversations/arguments with teacups and beakers, cried because the face wipe dispenser wouldn’t dispense biscuits, demanded fish and chips and tried to get out of bed seventeen times an hour because she wanted to go dancing or to see my auntie or to go to the beach. Those was hard times.

Life – Feeling Unaccomplished

My sister has a house now, and a new fiancé. I feel like I have nothing and that doesn’t help with the major feelings of insignificance anymore. I don’t have anything to show for my now 31 years on the planet. It was my birthday on Saturday 17th and it was the biggest nonevent imaginable. My parents chose not to get my anything other than a card, and my sister hasn’t given me anything at all as yet. It felt strange not seeing any family that day. The only friend I saw was Laura, and whilst we had a great evening, it did not feel like a birthday for me.

Very strange evening that was indeed. Good strange, but strange strange. Met Laura’s work colleague Bryony and felt like I had found a lost soul like mine. She is currently dating 3 men at the same time and by the end of the night I had been invited to a threesome, which was very flattering, if strange. I returned the compliment.

Currently

Reading through old LJ when I should be working (ooooh skiving in the office!)
This made me smile “As I'm on the bus home, his theme song comes on and I decide to text him this
'and I guess that's why they call it the blues, time on my hands could be time spent with you.
Laughing like children, living like lovers, rolling like thunder under the covers'
Rule no 1 of theme songs, don't quote them to people at 2am.”




Enjoy the fall loverCollapse )
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Hey LJ [06 Dec 2012|05:12pm]
Been a long time since I posted old friend, been a long time since I felt that I needed to. I feel so alone LJ, I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. I am cut off, out of the loop, out of the support network that kept me sane for so long. I didn't realise being in love would be so lonely. I feel like such a failure, such a let down. I cant even keep him happy :( no matter how hard I try, so I bottle up these feelings til I am ready to burst and then I find my solace in your warm, constant pages. I miss you, I don't know why I've not come back sooner, perhaps because I really want to be comfortable elsewhere?
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So [10 Sep 2012|08:45pm]
I feel so helpless
So hopeless

I'm driving myself crazy

Who'd have thought that less than 90 minutes of non-contact would do this to me :/
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